In anticipation for tonight’s full moon, I am begrudgingly speechless.
For if now is a time of endings – of finding freedom through diverging paths:
will the moon help cement a future I already expect but secretly wish not to?
“It’s tough,” I overhear, “but it’s the right thing for everyone.”
So many repeating lines, echoing the same themes.
Right this second, a stranger speaks of separation with his partner – thus verbalizing my dualistic thoughts of the month, which gracefully release mine yet simultaneously cannot; which find jealousy in little vagaries yet know we can possess each other not.
I’ve worked so hard on letting him go with grace.
Yet last night, when he greets me with a kiss, I am reminded of home in his arms.
And I am not alone.
He comments on the moon, standing as a mirrored form from weeks ago, when it was brand new.
“It has to be nearly full,” he says – and as usual, we notice its waxes and wanes together, which always seem to beam powerfully into us, stirring our watery tides like clock-work.
Yet tonight, unlike on all the other nights, the full moon illuminated something within him, which was not his kind sweetness that I’ve come to know so well, but a cold emptiness – a callously detached description of his self-serving quest for artistic success, which betrays what we have shared, because my friendship and my status are not worthwhile enough.
Everything unfolds as I deep down knew it would.
I lose my utility when I lost my position as his muse.
2015 – July 31
full moon in aquarius (blue moon)