The Lifting Of The Veil

i don’t know what it is that has changed. the clearing in the woods — the emergence from the shaded path into the open meadow — has brought with me a new lightness, a realization of rebirth. the dreams, which i had initially interpreted with a starry-eyed, future-bound view, i have begun to feel i’ve interpreted incorrectly; the work of neptune’s deception upon my intuition.

i am no longer struggling between logic and intuition, but between the dualities of intuition and intuition. yes, indeed, it is that complicated, and i can map out any possible point of sense data and intuitive data i have, and each one can swing at an arc, high and low, in and out, until finally, it has all settled upon this. this, it seems, is not the immediate answer, and not the one that my heart had initially been so superstitiously set upon. this, it seems, is in fact a circle radiating outwards from my most hated tendency towards escapism. in the outer ring, growing ever bigger, lies the true test against which i am to push back, to force the waves inwards into the point of center once again. they are never to break the outermost border, where they will pop the bubble with their easy and convenient rhythms.

in my dreams, the equivalent to this push-back is a u-turn on my life’s road, where i am not driving. i am merely a passenger who is confused as to why i am sitting in the back seat, all the while yelling out directions with half-convinced excitement. but no longer. today i am reborn in light. i walk on feathers without change upon their form. can it be that one night of catharsis can serve as a complete rearrangement of one’s psyche? it can. with loss comes value, but with the assessment of loss — whether felt in an outwards manifestation or shed from one’s own character — comes even more value. i am wide awake. i am cognizant of my follies and aware of the steps i need to take to dispel them.

he tells me just now that he is unclear, that he needs perspective. time to realign himself, and time to let go of the scars and anxieties that have once again emerged. perhaps it is better for both of us that he takes the time… i guess i just hope that he will take the time, and then take the plunge, if the plunge still feels right.

2012 – June 19
new moon in gemini
(astrological notes) (+ more)

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